Carmen Lynch Performs Stand Up


( APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS
A REGULAR AT THE COMEDY CELLAR HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. PLEASE WELCOME CARMEN LYNCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>HI. I JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M AT THAT AGE NOW WHERE I’M DATING BOTH FATHERS AND SONS. ( LAUGHTER )
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN MY 20s, I THOUGHT GUYS UNTIL
THEIR 40s WERE GROSS. BUT NOW I’M LIKE, “BRING IT ON! I LOVE MEN IN THEIR 40s. THEY’VE LOST HOPE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY’RE SO REAL. THEY’RE HALFWAY TO DEATH, AND
THEY KNOW IT. THEY KNOW THEIR DREAMS AREN’T
COMING TRUE, AND IT’S KIND OF CHARMING. ( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY’S EW IS TOMORROW’S AHHH.” I LOVE OLD PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, THE
ELDERLY, THE ONES THAT ARE, LIKE, OVER 100. THEY’RE SO OLD, THEY ONLY COME
OUT IN THE SPRING. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY’RE SO CUTE AND THEY’RE SO WISE AND YOU CAN ASK THEM
ANYTHING LIKE, “WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?”
( LAUGHTER ) MY DAD IS GETTING OLD, AND I CAN
TELL BECAUSE MY NIECE HAD AN ICE SKATING RECITAL AND MY DAD WAS
SUPPOSED TO RECORD IT. AND HE DID. HE JUST RECORDED THE WRONG
LITTLE GIRL. ( LAUGHTER )
SO NOW WE HAVE THIS VIDEO OF THIS KID WE DON’T CARE ABOUT. BUT SHE’S SO GOOD! ( LAUGHTER )
WE WATCH HER ALL THE TIME AND PRETEND IT’S MY NIECE. MY DAD’S NEAR SIGHT. HE JUST CAN’T SEE FAR AWAY. WHY DON’T WE JUST CALL IT FAR
BLIND. THAT’S WHAT IT IS. YOU KNOW, WE DON’T DO THAT WITH
ANY OTHER DISORDER. IF YOU HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER
YOU’RE NOT LIKE, “I’M PROSTATE HEALTHY.” ( LAUGHTER )
I LOVE DOGS. I THINK DOGS ARE AMAZING. I DON’T LIKE CATS. I HATE CATS. DOGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER.( APPLAUSE )
THANKS FOR– I’VE NEVER HAD A
DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I CAN TELL THROUGH MY HATRED OF CATS THAT I LOVE DOGS. THAT’S HOW LESBIANS FEEL ABOUT
GUYS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT’S THE SAME FORMULA. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS STAYING AT
MY FRIEND’S HOUSE, HER CAT CAME INTO MY ROOM AT 3:00 IN THE
MORNING AND BIT MY FOOT AND WOKE ME UP. AND YOU THINK WHEN A CAT BITES
YOUR FOOT AT 3:00 A.M., WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU JUST GET UP AND YOU KILL THE
CAT. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED. THEICALITY CAME INTO MY ROOM,
AND BIT MY FOOT, AND FOR SOME REASON I WAS LIKE, “OUCH! WHO BIT MY FOOT?”
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, LIKE, MAYBE IT WAS MY
FRIEND. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE MAYBE I WAS GOING TO LOOK DOWN AND BE LIKE, ,” LIZ, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?” AND SHE’S LIKE, “YOU NEVER TEXT
ME BACK.” ( LAUGHTER )
I’M JUST SUCH A LIGHT SLEEPER. I HATE THAT. I HEAR EVERYTHING. I HEAR CATS. I HEAR ISIS. ( LAUGHTER )
I HEAR NEW JERSEY. I HEAR EVERYTHING. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE WHO SLEEP
ALL NIGHT BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS SHOW OFF, “I CAN SLEEP THROUGH
ANYTHING.” “YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE GOING TO DIE IN A FIRE.” ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
AND I’M GOING TO WATCH. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE I’LL BE UP ROASTING MASH MALLOWS IN YOUR FACE. I’M IN THERAPY. SO…… ( LAUGHTER )
I LOVE COMPLAINING TO SOMEONE WHO CAN’T LEAVE THE ROOM. THERAPY’S GREAT. EVERYONE IN NEW YORK CITY’S IN
THERAPY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT
THIS TOWN. PEOPLE LOVE THERAPY. YOU COULD BE LIKE YOU LOST YOUR
SHOE AND SOMEONE LOBBY LIKE, “YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE
ABOUT THIS. I THINK THIS HAS TO DO WITH YOUR
PARENTS’ DIVORCED. I THINK YOUR DAD HAS YOUR SHOE.” ( LAUGHTER )
I LOVE MY THERAPIST BECAUSE SHE ANALYZES DREAMS. LIKE, SHE TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE
THAT SHOWS UP IN YOUR DREAM IS ACTUALLY YOU, NO MATTER WHO IT
IS. AND THEN I HAD THIS DREAM THAT
THIS BIG, BROWN BEAR WAS CHASING ME AND I WOKE UP AND I WAS LIKE,
“I BETTER GET THAT BIKINI WAX.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BEAR. I WENT TO SOUTH CAROLINA, AND I
WENT ON MY FIRST HORSE AND CARRIAGE RIDE AND THEY SAT ME
RIGHT BEHIND THE HORSE’S BUTT. AND THEN THIS GUY CAME UP TO THE
HORSE AND HE LIFTED UP THE TAIL AND HE JAMMED A STICK ABOUT THAT
LONG RIGHT INTO THE HORSE’S BUTT. I KNOW. AND I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOD. IS THIS HOW YOU START HORSE? ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE WAS LIKE, “NO, THIS IS A THERMOMETER. WE HAVE TO TAKE THE TEMPERATURE
OF THE HORSE SO WE KNOW HE’S OKAY TO GO ON THE TOUR.” AND I WAS LIKE, “OH. WELL, I’M ON A TOUR, TOO.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: HER ALBUM IS
AVAILABLE NOW ON iTUNES. CARMEN LYNCH, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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