Jaws 3D: Review


Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World. ‘Oh my God’ I’ve always steered clear of the Jaws sequels but, you know what? Jaws 2 isn’t a catastrophe, so I am watching Jaws 3. Well this is off to bad start. Here’s the basic theory behind all 3D ‘Just throw it in my eyes, it’ll work faster’ After the 3D. The biggest problem with this film is its not Jaws. ‘Is the film okay?’ Jaws is famously a film about a giant killer shark that’s not about a giant killer shark, it’s about the people ‘My fly’s open’ Jaws 3D is about a giant killer shark. Why is it eating a dinghy? ‘Oooh!’ The character establishment is reduced to scenes of young lovers playing hilarious pranks, in which the only thing worth watching, is the water level. ‘I’m OK My Brother works here.’ ‘You Turkeys have any ID?’ ‘Wait a minute.’ Did the tide go out between shots?! ‘What are you serious?’ Now, while this is not Jaws, it is trying to be in all the wrong ways; subtly established neuroses are replaced with ‘Oh I don’t go in the water’ Robert Shaw’s complex Quint is replaced by Sir Laurence ‘I’ll be dying later’ ‘If we can kill this beastie on camera, I can guarantee you media coverage’ Do we have a bureaucrat endangering people’s lives for money? ‘Listen nephew, that’s a two and half million dollar turbine, that’s not going to go up in smoke because of some damn fish’ Do we have a head popping up suddenly, making the audiences jump out of their skins. Actually no, we don’t. ‘Why do you have to do this?’ That said, the plot is different. When a killer shark threatens Sea World, marine biologists, gung-ho wildlife photographers and Dennis Quaid… ‘Yeah well it’s a real thrill’ …team up to catch it alive ‘This is nuts’ I’m glad someone said it. They set out… At night. Gee I wonder why you didn’t see it coming. Most of the major action sequences take place at night, I assume to hide the inadequacies of the shark model, which it does. Kinda. But I can’t see what the hell is happening! Anyway, they catch the shark. Who could have predicted it would be pissed? But when things literally go belly up… It’s Mom shows up ‘We’re talking about some damn Shark’s mother?!’ to take revenge on Lea Thompson… …and some water skiers. None of whom it manages to kill. Honestly, all the people who were pissed at Jaws for portraying great white’s as man-eaters, should be delighted by this film, which shows them to be incompetent. ‘Mike! Please Mike!’ Well surely it’s got her now. What the hell? Even in daylight I don’t know what happened?! ‘This film is a bloody retirement annuity’ Well, Joe Alves never directed again so kinda. ‘You’re enjoying this’ Now, like a lot of crap films – and this is worse than most – an attempt is made to pull it back by adding a sequence that is simultaneously both cool and terrifying, something to take away with you, something you’ll be talking about for days to come. It’s hard to think of another film where that desire went this badly wrong. Right away, that is a horrible shot. And yet somehow the people in slow motion are worse. But then… I’d like to believe there was a moment in editing when they watched this and someone said, well we can’t save it now, let’s make the ending even dumber. So, as mommy shark attacks our heroes, they notice she still has her previous meal stuck in her teeth, fortuitously grasping a grenade. I’d have to check, but I’d guess relatively few animals on film are defeated by inadequate dental hygiene. If only she’d flossed. Who’d have thought Jaws would have a subliminal message from the dental association. Particularly given its less subtle product placement. ‘Always Coca Cola’ Okay, listen up. I’ve learnt my lesson. No more Jaws sequels, certainly not ones that feature revenge. Thanks for watching. For new bad movie reviews each and every Tuesday, subscribe now. What is about the number 3 that makes people want to add D after it? But let’s not be negative, what 3D films have you actually enjoyed? Let us know in the comments below.

Comments 57

  • The thing about this movie is, that since they're in a water park, couldn't they just drain the pool if a shark is killing people?

  • This movie is hilarious

  • Shockingly, this movie is a real fun watch in 3D if you're lucky enough to have a 3D tv. The new 3D blu-ray actually looks great. It's such gratuitous 3D that it stops being cheesy and just becomes an inside joke. Like there's one scene where the characters are looking at a model of the park and there's a random tube sticking up in the middle of the model (that doesn't represent anything) whose sole purpose is to poke out the screen and make you go "cool 3D!".

  • You haven't seen an amazing Jaws sequel until you've seen Jaws 5 : Cruel Jaws or Great White. Both are masterpieces.

  • Do Monster Shark, if you haven’t already, please. It’s my personal favorite of the Italian Jaws knockoffs.

  • I like Friday the 13th, part 3. Not at all because of the 3D, and I've never seen it with the glasses.

  • Even in 1983, how could this reach the editing room and no one stop that "3-D" shark coming at the screen scene? To top it off, the cracked glass is Commodore 64 level graphics. Apologies to Commodore 64. And to think, part 4 was still to come.

  • Ah…80's 3D.

  • I like this movie despite its many flaws. Some of it is due to childhood nostalgia, it's one of the first movies I ever watched on HBO… while at the babysitter/daycare's home… huh, now that I think about, that was an odd entertainment choice for an audience in the single-digit age. Trying to think of 3D movies that I've enjoyed… Avatar of course. There's actually not that many is there- I was a child during the early 80s 3D craze, and today 3D is actually pretty common to the point that there are many films that are easily converted without taking full advantage of the technology. I mean, all the recent Pixar and Star Wars movies have been available in 3D format at the movie theater I work at, but are they really '3D Movies'?

  • Can you look at king Cobra 🙂

  • Another great review!
    You need to do the "The Car" (1977). It's got everything, James Brolin, Ronny Cox, R.G. Armstrong, car chases, explosions and a custom Lincoln Continental built by the legend George Barris himself (creator of such cars as the original Batmobile and The Munsters mobile).
    The plot centers around an isolated desert town being terrorized by an allegedly driverless black car hinted to be the work of Satan himself! Anton LaVey even received advisory credit for the film. On top of all that it even has a few legitimately well-done scenes. This week's review reminded me of it because The Car is one of the Jaws on land style ripoffs. You have to see it it's got "Dark Corners" written all over it.
    Thank you again for your great work.

  • Despite its flaws, I do enjoy watching Jaws 3-D, just because it is so much fun. It's too bad that the filmmakers felt they had to cut back on the body count, because having a killer shark at a water park has so much potential for "monster mayhem".

    As for other 3-D movies that I do like, here are a couple of titles:
    1. House Of Wax (1953) – this Vincent Price classic sets the bar for all other 3-D films.
    2. Friday The 13th, Part 3 (1982) – one of the best sequels, I think.
    3. Spooks! (1953) – the only 3-D Three Stooges film and they are in a haunted house. What's not to like?

  • Oh please Jaws 2, Jaws 3, and Jaws 4 stinks. The only good Jaws movie there is the first one the original.

  • I haven't seen either Creature From the Black Lagoon or House of Wax (with Vincent Price) in 3D, but both are great horror films. Even better (with the exception of the paddleball scene in the latter), the 3D bits in both films are hardly noticeable and more subtle without the use of 3D glasses.

  • I know of one 3-D movie that's pretty good, though it's not a horror film. It's a 1953 Technicolor noir called 'Inferno' – Robert Ryan plays a ruthless millionaire who breaks his leg while out camping in the Arizona desert, while his faithless wife and her lover leave him to die. Ryan must then struggle back to civilization with a broken leg, little food and water, and almost no knowledge of how to survive in the wild. Highly recommend catching it (it's good enough to watch without the 3D).

  • dude – – you need way more subs – – you're doing everything right…

  • How lame can you get , they stole the plot from GORGO. I keep thinking who ever at Universal who green lit this movie was easily distracted by a puppet show.

  • Why use 3 after ' D ' ? Because the people at the movie office for the most part have no imagination, or else they'd be writing the movies rather spending their days filing and typing.

  • It's either "3 D" or "Tri Harder."

  • Valerian was good in 3D

  • Is the 2nd part of the Hammer Frankenstein retrospective still coming up?

  • Avatar, is my benchmark the 3D actually made the movie better. O enjoyed journey to the center of the earth with Brendan Frasier

  • It came from Outer Space was entertaining in 3D without the usual hokum of throwing things at the camera et cetera.

  • House of Wax in 1953 was properly the best and most successful 3D movie, it was a good film, it established Vincent Price in the horror genre and told a great story aside of the gimmick, as well as the last great Universal monster movie Creature from the Black Lagoon, great films without the gimmick,, a few more around that period too Phantom of the Rue Morgue, The Mad Magician however, once it was revived in the present day it was annoying and created movies that had no other purpose but 3D such as the awful remake of Piranha , while other movies suffered at the gimmick simply to charge people a more expensive screening! I know seldom go to the cinema (due to the generic PC rubbish it pumps put ) but I would NEVER see one in 3D!

  • I saw Creature From the Black Lagoon and It Came From Outer Space inn 3-D, and they were both great.

  • Have you guys reviewed any Don Dohler movies like galaxy invaders or the fiend

  • Wow. I never saw this but it does look to be truly awful. I need to see it!

  • The worst thing about this movie is that Universal were going to remake Creature from the Black Lagoon with John Landis directing and Creature design by Rick Baker, but they made this turd sandwich instead. If the term epic fail had existed in 1983, people would have used it to describe that decision.

  • Come On, Dark Corners: "DC3d" writes itself. A Dark Corners 3D project would be great, but it doesn't even have to be good.

    I actually much prefer "Jaws: The Revenge" because it's so outrageous that I think it's quite entertaining. Unfortunately, "Jaws 3D" is a real bore.

    The Three Stooges made a pair of 3D films in the Shemp Era ("Spooks" and "Pardon My Backfire") which are hardly film classics but make quite a curio.

  • Please do a review of Forbidden World aka Mutant 1982!!!!! I would really appreciate it, Thanks!!!!

  • Have you guys reviewed Trolls 2? — has to be seen to be believed.

  • despite it's shortcomings, this movie always scared me more often than Jaws 2.

  • Bad, but still has a place in my collection as it was the first 3D film I saw in the cinema.

  • It's a good thing for the heroes that sir Laurence(I'll be dying later) didn't listen to Calvin's "Nooo Grenaaaades"

  • I actually didn't mind Friday the 13th Part 3-D. Jason Voorhees donned the iconic hockey mask for the first time, the intro music had a disco funk sound to it, and there were a few good kills(the handstand kill was memorable.) There was also an alternate ending which involved Stan Winston's makeup effects but it got scrapped.

  • Funny you should mention dental hygiene. I watched "Jaws: The Revenge" tonight, and something that struck me (and I think one of the clips in your review may have the same issue) is that even when the shark fails to bite the person in the water, there's always a bloody tinge to the water when the shark is no longer on the surface. The only logical inference is that all these sharks have bloody gums.

    I'm now trying to decide which of the two films is the worst. 🤔

  • House of Wax was way better .

  • Whine whine whine

  • I think jaws 3d was a fun movie. Did you watch the revenge?

  • Robin Bailes, review another bad shark movie: SHARK EXORCIST, a film so bad that it makes MANOS look well made. From the same distributers as The Amazing Bulk

  • Gotta review Friday the 13th 3D!

  • I have seen a 3D film at the cinema of "Carmen" the opera by Bizet – very good but the only bit where the 3D effect worked was when one of the lead characters threw flower petals into the air as confetti.Pointless gimick for that particular film.
    My fave 3D film is the black and white film "It came from outer space" (referenced in the introduction song in The Rocky Horror Show).

  • I'd fight a great white to be able to nibble on Lea Thompson

  • I actually saw this in the theater. I had a three-day migraine afterwards, and did not see another 3D movie until Dr. Strange. I blame the first day of the migraine on the 3d glasses. I blame the other two days of pain on the movie. It was the first time I genuinely thought, "I wasted money on this?"

  • I love Jaws 3D its so goofy!!

  • The best part is when the big shark swims by the underwater restaurant and growls out loud at them

  • Got. To. Do. The. One. With. Airplanes. And. Michael cane

  • Sharkboy and Lavagirl
    I have thoroughly enjoyed that.

  • Why dose someone push the girl against the glass when Shelby’s body shows up I don’t get it bloody funny though

  • Jaws 3D is actually my favorite Jaws sequel (not saying much, perhaps). Jaws 2 was a better made movie, yes, but there were SO many characters I couldn't keep track or care.

  • best 3D movie Coming At You

  • Can't beat Friday the 13th 3-D then or now. Actually the music from Jaws 3 sounds just the same as the early Jason films. I wonder if it was the same composer?

  • Years ago, in Calgary, the Sun newspaper handed out cheap 3d glasses in the Friday edition. The Global station had a screening of "Bride of the Gorilla", I think, on Saturday. Talk about 3d "technology" being used for "good"!

  • Actually, I would have to include this much beloved (personally) entry among what I'm going to call "The 3 Decently Done & Debauched: Jaws 3D, Pirahnna 3D & Dracula 3D (much love for Argento, for me this one is enjoyable as a more gore, more sexualized and more pragmatic effects, Hammer homage ; ]

  • This one is the worst. But Lea Thompson in a bikini is BUENO.

  • This one also has really bad photography, I assume owing to the 3D process. Even the interior scenes in the house look like guano.

  • Have you done 'Tentacles'? I'll wait.

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