Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World. ‘Oh my God’ I’ve always steered clear of the Jaws sequels but, you know what? Jaws 2 isn’t a catastrophe, so I am watching Jaws 3. Well this is off to bad start. Here’s the basic theory behind all 3D ‘Just throw it in my eyes, it’ll work faster’ After the 3D. The biggest problem with this film is its not Jaws. ‘Is the film okay?’ Jaws is famously a film about a giant killer shark that’s not about a giant killer shark, it’s about the people ‘My fly’s open’ Jaws 3D is about a giant killer shark. Why is it eating a dinghy? ‘Oooh!’ The character establishment is reduced to scenes of young lovers playing hilarious pranks, in which the only thing worth watching, is the water level. ‘I’m OK My Brother works here.’ ‘You Turkeys have any ID?’ ‘Wait a minute.’ Did the tide go out between shots?! ‘What are you serious?’ Now, while this is not Jaws, it is trying to be in all the wrong ways; subtly established neuroses are replaced with ‘Oh I don’t go in the water’ Robert Shaw’s complex Quint is replaced by Sir Laurence ‘I’ll be dying later’ ‘If we can kill this beastie on camera, I can guarantee you media coverage’ Do we have a bureaucrat endangering people’s lives for money? ‘Listen nephew, that’s a two and half million dollar turbine, that’s not going to go up in smoke because of some damn fish’ Do we have a head popping up suddenly, making the audiences jump out of their skins. Actually no, we don’t. ‘Why do you have to do this?’ That said, the plot is different. When a killer shark threatens Sea World, marine biologists, gung-ho wildlife photographers and Dennis Quaid… ‘Yeah well it’s a real thrill’ …team up to catch it alive ‘This is nuts’ I’m glad someone said it. They set out… At night. Gee I wonder why you didn’t see it coming. Most of the major action sequences take place at night, I assume to hide the inadequacies of the shark model, which it does. Kinda. But I can’t see what the hell is happening! Anyway, they catch the shark. Who could have predicted it would be pissed? But when things literally go belly up… It’s Mom shows up ‘We’re talking about some damn Shark’s mother?!’ to take revenge on Lea Thompson… …and some water skiers. None of whom it manages to kill. Honestly, all the people who were pissed at Jaws for portraying great white’s as man-eaters, should be delighted by this film, which shows them to be incompetent. ‘Mike! Please Mike!’ Well surely it’s got her now. What the hell? Even in daylight I don’t know what happened?! ‘This film is a bloody retirement annuity’ Well, Joe Alves never directed again so kinda. ‘You’re enjoying this’ Now, like a lot of crap films – and this is worse than most – an attempt is made to pull it back by adding a sequence that is simultaneously both cool and terrifying, something to take away with you, something you’ll be talking about for days to come. It’s hard to think of another film where that desire went this badly wrong. Right away, that is a horrible shot. And yet somehow the people in slow motion are worse. But then… I’d like to believe there was a moment in editing when they watched this and someone said, well we can’t save it now, let’s make the ending even dumber. So, as mommy shark attacks our heroes, they notice she still has her previous meal stuck in her teeth, fortuitously grasping a grenade. I’d have to check, but I’d guess relatively few animals on film are defeated by inadequate dental hygiene. If only she’d flossed. Who’d have thought Jaws would have a subliminal message from the dental association. Particularly given its less subtle product placement. ‘Always Coca Cola’ Okay, listen up. I’ve learnt my lesson. No more Jaws sequels, certainly not ones that feature revenge. Thanks for watching. For new bad movie reviews each and every Tuesday, subscribe now. What is about the number 3 that makes people want to add D after it? But let’s not be negative, what 3D films have you actually enjoyed? Let us know in the comments below.