West Coast Doggy-Style & a Missing-Tooth-B.J. – Sex Fails (feat. Greta Titelman)


– I’m Greta Titleman and this is why women
should always come first, and then leave, it doesn’t
matter if the man comes. No I’m kidding. Equal coming rights. My freshman year of college, I had a huge secret, I was missing this tooth. Not a tooth that you
could easily miss, a tooth that was in the front
and center of your face, big hole. Lucky for me I had a retainer
that had the tooth in it. No one really knew I was
ever missing the tooth, you’ll need to
know that later on. At the same time I fell in
love with a guy named Chad. My Chad, my sweet Chad. This was a different
kind of bro, hard-bodied jock from Southern
California wearing like high socks with Vans. He was not very smart but
that kinda made him hotter. I’m from the East Coast, I was used to a guy in like
a boat shoe and a khaki. One night I go to his
fraternity, huge party. I make eye contact with
him across a courtyard, just a cement block
covered in vomit and I just say, “Hey.” That’s how I flirted, hey. Next thing you know I’m in
his bedroom and I’m wasted and he’s wasted and
we start having sex. We start out normal,
he’s on top of me, which is fine, I
get on top of him, which is fine. Then he was like,
“I have an idea.” He flips me over so
I’m kind of in doggie, okay, I’ve done doggie before,
this isn’t that exciting. Then he takes my arms, and he is fucking me from
behind holding my arms back like I’m a figurehead on a ship. I was used to an East
Coast doggie style. Hands planted down, you
could be on your stomach if you want, then getting
kind of poorly fucked by a different
version of a Chad. Instead, he was giving me
some like hardcore West Coast bro doggie, which was crazy. It wasn’t just like
jackrabbit sex, fucking me so fast I had no
idea what was even happening. (clapping) Vibrating on me. Like sitting on top of a
fucking washing machine. This was very bad. Oh my God I’m gonna be sick, I am two secs away from
shitting all over his six pack. No, this has to stop. He passes out, I
pretend to fall asleep. An hour goes by. I am in cold sweats, I
need to go and explode. We were on a bunk bed, so I had to climb
down a little ladder while holding my ass in
so that I didn’t shit in my climb down. Chad also obviously had a
very hot roommate, John. (chuckles) He was 100% there
the entire time. I get to the bathroom, the
bathroom is completely communal. There are a bunch of
stalls with toilets in it that don’t have doors, they just have shower
curtains as closures. I immediately just start
shitting my brains out. Oh no, I have to fucking vomit. I am a geyser of shit and vomit. When the massacre is over, I get to the sink. All of my body has left of
me and I look like Kate Moss. And I take my retainer
out of my mouth because I need to rinse
the vomit out of it and I feel these eyes
sort of looking at me. I see three pledges, waiting to clean the
fraternity bathroom. I run out of the bathroom. I wake Chad up. Now I can really prove to Chad, that I can make him come. It was 2008, was
a different time. So I start to like kiss him
and do what I thought was sexy. We make eye contact. I look up at him and I’m like. And I hear a knock at the door. Chad was like,
“You wanna get it?” climb down the little ladder. What’s up John, yes, hi it’s me. I get the door, it was one of the pledges
holding the retainer with my tooth in it. Oh fuck. Not only did these guys hear
me have explosive diarrhea with no tooth, no Chad definitely knows
I don’t have a tooth, or maybe not because he
was so dumb, who’s to say. I still persisted and I
still sucked the dick. Then he never spoke to me again. I ended up fucking his roommate
actually after (laughing). He was so hot. Years and years and years later
I get a message on Facebook. Hey it’s Chad. You’re finally reaching
out apologizing to me that you never made me come and now that I am
a grownup woman, I can see how fucked up you were and how wrong all of that was. But no, LOL my friends
and I were just talking, were you missing a
tooth when we fucked? (giggles) Thank you so much for checking. In hindsight, if someone shames you
for missing a tooth, having explosive diarrhea
in their fraternity house, smiling, making eye contact
with multiple people without your retainer
in, wearing a retainer, whatever it may be, fuck them! You are beautiful and
you can make yourself come more importantly
than anything else. Doesn’t matter even if
people can make you come, you can make yourself
come yourself.

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